


The One Where Bucky Realizes He's Asexual

by howdoyou_write



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Bucky Barnes, Asexual Steve Rogers, Awkward Conversations, But he apologizes, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, a little yikes scene from tony, hes a bit of a jerk, times 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6046825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdoyou_write/pseuds/howdoyou_write
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes' realization that he's asexual, and all the fun times that come along with it. (He also may be in love with Steve.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Where Bucky Realizes He's Asexual

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Как Баки осознал свою асексуальность](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10365942) by [Girl_with_Violets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girl_with_Violets/pseuds/Girl_with_Violets)



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE WONDERFUL @SAMTHEBIRDBAE!!!!!! YOU ARE FOREVER MY FAV AND I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS SHITTY GIFT!!!!!!
> 
> also please let me know if anything is offensive, I wrote this in a week and didn't have as much time to research as I would have liked!

Bucky wasn’t sure about a lot of things in his life at the moment, to be honest.

 

He was jumping around on the internet, not even doing anything worthwhile, just skipping from page to link to page without an aim in mind. Somehow, he stumbled across something about something called ‘asexual.’

 

He did the only thing he knew how to do in a situation; he googled it. The search engine came up with multiple websites, and a little box with three definitions. One was an adjective, meaning without feeling or desire. Another had a little biology box over it saying  _ (of reproduction) without the fusion of gametes.  _ The third, what he was looking for, wrote  _ a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.  _

 

Bucky sat and thought for a minute. He knew what sexual desires were; he explicitly remembers having them before the war. Very explicit, and very frequently. He doesn’t… he doesn’t think he’s had any since? The Asset never had any, that’s for sure. He knew he didn’t have any, because Bucky remembered as much as he would like to about his time with Hydra and the Red Room. Something tells him if he was aroused, he would have known.

 

One time, they tried to get him to extract intel by gaining trust in one of his missions, sexually. The mission got so frustrated because The Asset couldn’t get it up that they stormed out and left. The Asset didn’t know better, and had nothing left to do but wander back to the Red Room team where they beat him until he couldn’t think straight.

 

Bucky last memory of sex wasn’t very pleasant. He didn’t have any semi-current memories of sex, hadn’t even gotten hard since he came out of the ice. He couldn’t even remember the last time he felt attracted to someone or something, at least, not on that level.

 

Bucky shrugged and closed the tab before shutting his laptop. He went up to the roof and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day.

___

 

He lay in bed that night, rethinking the events of the day.

 

_ Asexual.  _ The word hit him like a train (haha. He rolled his eyes at his own bad joke). He didn’t… He didn’t understand, maybe. Maybe he was afraid to understand. Maybe he was just from the wrong time period, he didn’t know. He just… Didn’t know. But the word, the definition,  _ a person who has no sexual feelings or desire.  _ It just… It jumped out to him. It felt different than all the other words he’d had to look up in the mindless hours spent scrolling the internet. Call him crazy but… It felt right? Maybe?

 

Bucky didn’t know. Bucky was finding out that he didn’t know a lot of things.

 

For another hour he tossed and turned, trying to find sleep when every position seemed to be uncomfortable and his muscles didn’t want to stay still for more than thirty seconds. Sleep finally overcame him, if only for a little bit.

 

_ Anything’s better than nothin’, I guess,  _ Bucky thought as he fell asleep

___

 

He woke up to his own voice, screaming, a few hours later. Steve was cradling him within his ridiculous biceps.

 

“Shhh,” he kept repeating, soothingly, “it’s okay, you’re fine, Bucky. You’re okay.”

 

Bucky tried to listen to the words, but his hearing kept fading in and out, only giving him bits and pieces of Steve’s words. He only realized he was panting when he tried to take a deep breath in, realizing he couldn’t. His lungs wouldn’t stop hyperventilating. 

 

“Hey, it’s okay, Buck. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just take a deep breath? Like this, okay?” Steve took a deep breath, in through his nose and out through his mouth. It took Bucky a few times, but he finally got a good breath in. Then, after a few more tries, he get another. And another, and then one more.

 

Eventually, Bucky felt much better, about as good as he was going to feel at the moment. (Steve’s gigantic arms wrapped around him were helping, probably more than he’d like to admit.) Once he gained a little bit more feeling and awareness back, he realized Steve was running his fingers softly up and down Bucky’s bare arm. His shirt was a short sleeve tee, so that left a whole three-fourths of an arm to be caressed, which Steve was accurately utilizing.

 

After Bucky seemed to be calm, Steve made a move like he was going to get up and leave. Bucky made a small sound and grabbed Steve’s arm.

 

“Stay?” He asked, looking Steve in the eyes, trying to put on his best puppy dog face (not that Bucky needed it, Steve would have done it without hesitation just from hearing Bucky ask). 

 

Steve gave him a smile, the small one that was just beautiful, his plump red lips quirked just right, and his eyes twinkling like stars.

 

“Sure thing, Buck.” He climbed under the covers, and the both of them got comfortable. They had done this so many times before, maybe not recently, but the muscle memory was still there. The pair didn’t even try to separate themselves, just allowed their bodies to curl together in what felt like the most natural way possible. Not even ten minutes had passed before they both fell asleep.

___

 

They both woke up more comfortable than when they fell asleep.

 

Although neither would admit it, they both lay in bed awake for nearly an hour, not willing to sacrifice the safeness and comfort they felt being intertwined with one another.

___

 

Bucky put the thoughts of his sexuality out of his head for as long as he could stand. He wasn’t going to think about it, if he had any say so. It wasn’t important, and he’d convinced himself of that.

 

Unfortunately for Bucky, things don’t always go as planned.

___

 

“Yes, Tony, why is that so hard to believe?” Bucky heard Steve’s exasperated voice as soon as the elevator doors opened.

 

“I just can’t wrap my head around it, I mean, you’re  _ Steve Rogers:  _ Ladies man galore.”

 

Bucky could practically hear the eye roll from the couch in the communal living room. 

 

“Where did you get that idea from?”

 

“Uh, let me think… Your face, body, and general presence?”

 

Steve gave Stark the smirk that said he was the biggest little shit in the world. “Looks can be deceiving,” Steve said as he opened the refrigerator door to get to a bottle of water, flicking his eyebrows up.

 

Tony shot back the largest, most over exaggerated eye roll Bucky thinks he’s ever seen. “I know that, Mr. Oldest Line in the Book. But still, I just can’t picture you being ace.”   
  


Bucky’s head visually perked up. If he were a dog, he was sure his ears would’ve tweaked to the area where the two were arguing. Did that mean what he think it meant? Ace as in… As in the word he didn’t want to think about, ever again preferably?

 

“Stark, I hate to break it to you, but, you being able to not picture something doesn’t automatically prove it false.”

 

“ _ I know that,  _ Star Spangled Popsicle, but I am rather spot on about these things.”

 

“Why do I  _ not  _ believe you?” Steve turned, his water bottle still in hand. His face was steeled in a look of defiance.

 

“I’ll prove it to you, right here, right now.”

 

Bucky slouched behind the couch, hoping they hadn’t noticed him. He just barely resisted the urge to hide himself under the blanket, but he did draw it up to his chest. He could feel a blush tinting his cheeks. Making his body as small as possible, he hoped with every fiber of his being that they didn’t notice him.

 

“Barnes, for example,” Tony started, taking long quick strides over to where Bucky was seated. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and cursed everything he could think of. “Now,  _ Barnes  _ I can see as ace. Traumatic time with a creepy organization? Kills the sex drive, believe me, I would know.” He plopped himself down on the arm of the couch, a little closer than Bucky would typically prefer. Normally he just accepted that Stark didn’t quite know what person space was, but today it made his skin crawl.

 

Bucky felt his heart in his throat. He didn’t want to talk about this. He felt like he was going to vomit. He didn’t even want to  _ think  _ about this, much less talk about it with Stark, of all people.

 

“Tony-” Steve started, trying to cut him off before he made Bucky uncomfortable. Steve could read Bucky better than almost anyone else, and he could tell Bucky was getting kinda antsy. His fingers were fidgeting with the ends of the blanket pulled across him, and he refused to meet anyone’s eyes. 

 

“No, Rogers, I know I’m right about this one. You used to be bi right? Bi as hell, would sleep with anything that moves, right?”

 

Bucky said nothing. He felt like he was having trouble breathing through a lump in his throat. He didn’t want to talk about this.

 

“But now,” Stark continued, clearly not getting the message that Bucky  _ did not  _ want to talk about it. “Now, things are a little different right? Don’t quite get the same feelings that you used to?”

 

“Tony, quit,” Steve said, starting to get irritated. Bucky still wouldn’t look anyone in the eye. He was hardly moving.

 

“You’re asexual, right? C’mon, I know I’m right.” He made a swooping gesture, his hands going into Bucky’s personal space bubble. Stark gave him a light slap on the arm, making Bucky jerk. “C’mon Barnes, what’s your orientation?”

 

Bucky finally looked up, meeting Steve’s eyes for less than a second, before looking back down.

 

“Stark,” Steve cut in, using his  _ Captain America is very disappointed  _ look. “Stop. You don’t just ask someone something like that! It’s personal and quit pestering him. It doesn’t matter-”

 

“I- I gotta…” Bucky interrupted, and then trailed off. He threw the blanket off his lap and practically sprinted to the elevator. Stark and Steve were shocked still for a moment, and by the time they caught up and realized Bucky was most certainly  _ not _ okay, the elevator doors were already closing.

 

Bucky shut himself inside his room, crawled into bed, and pulled the covers over his head.

 

He didn’t open the door, even when Steve and Stark were banging on the doors, apologizing profusely.

 

He pulled the covers tighter over his head and blocked everything out, slipping into his own little world for just a little while.

___

 

Bucky lost track of time after that. He lost track of just about everything, really. He didn’t exactly… Lose the time or anything, but it was more like a dream than anything.

 

He finally came back to himself mid morning. Bucky was still laying in bed, motionless, when Steve and Stark finally got smart and realized that they would have to override the protocols (via Jarvis) in order to get to Bucky. Stark decided it was best for him to wait outside, after all, Steve did know Bucky best.

 

Steve came in softly, no banging or slamming the door. Bucky didn’t come out of his cocoon, and Steve wasn’t expecting him to. He sat down on the bed and softly called Bucky’s name, his voice calm and peaceful.

 

“How are ‘ya, Buck?” He asked. His hand rubbed Bucky’s side through the blanket, not unlike a mother comforting their sick child. “You doin’ okay?”

 

Bucky continued to stare at the wall. He wasn’t sure he had the energy to respond, so he just grunted his reply and curled up a little more. Steve continued to rub a soothing line back and forth across Bucky’s flank. 

 

“Want me to go?”

 

Bucky made a distinctly distressing noise. He poked his head out from under the covers and gave Steve his best puppy dog eyes.

 

“Want me to stay?”

 

Bucky nodded his head. Steve kicked off his shoes and stripped off his socks before getting under the covers.

 

He didn’t try to shy away from Bucky, but automatically spooned up next to him, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s waist. Bucky sighed very contentedly, before closing his eyes. They burned as if they were dry, and Bucky guessed he hadn’t blinked in a while. He kept his eyes closed, marvelling in the feeling of being safe wrapped in Steve.

 

He drifted to sleep not long after.

 

___

 

Bucky awoke not much later, no more than a few hours for sure, with Steve still spooned up against his back. Steve’s thumb was tracing lines across the exposed bone of his hip. Bucky reveled in the sensation. He stretched up like a cat, joints popping along the way. 

 

“Feel better?” Steve asked, his voice heavy with sleep.

 

Bucky grunted his affirmation and nodded his head. “Much,” he said. His voice almost sounded like he had a throat full of gravel, rough and raspy with disuse.

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

Bucky stayed silent for a few moments. “Not really.” He rolled his head to the side so he was facing Steve, who was looking at him like he was the hint of sunshine on a cloudy day.

 

“Alright,” Steve whispered. “Whenever you’re ready.”

 

Bucky smiled and resisted the sudden urge to kiss Steve on the tip of his nose. 

 

“Okay,” he whispered back.

 

___

 

It took Bucky another full week of denial to even consider  _ thinking _ about talking about it. He had run into Tony on multiple occasions and finally decided on pretending that the little incident never happened.

 

Tony didn’t seem to have any obligation, though he did profusely apologize on several occasions. With alcohol. And chocolates. (Also Bucky was 90% sure he was considering sending an edible arrangement.)

 

Once he did start thinking about it, though, Bucky almost couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to do research, because the internet just seemed to always make him more confused, but he nearly caved. He even found himself typing the word into the searchbar, stopping himself before he hit the enter key.

 

Why? Why was Bucky so afraid of this? Obviously it was normal, it wasn’t something to be ashamed for or looked down upon. It was completely normal. Normal, natural, healthy. But he just… He didn’t want to admit that he could be different from the Bucky that everyone knows and loves, even though he feels as if he has made it blatantly clear that he isn’t the same Bucky, just like Steve continued to assure him that he wasn’t the same Steve.

 

He knew the Bucky before experienced  _ high _ levels of sexual attraction, not strictly limited to one gender or the other. He vividly remembers the Bucky from the forties being draped in women, going out to dance halls every weekend and on more occasions than not doing some activity that couldn’t quite qualify as anything other than the horizontal tango (although, sometimes they were vertical). 

 

Admitting that something changed means admitting that he and the Bucky from the forties were more different that he was willing to say.

 

And admitting their differences could make Steve realize that he isn’t the Bucky Steve fell into friendship with nearly a decade ago. He’s a different man, a changed man. Bucky knows Steve thinks he knows that; has made sure Steve knows from none other than himself more than once. But a part of Bucky still doesn’t want to admit that he couldn’t feel like that for another person, doesn’t want to admit that he couldn’t feel like that for Steve.

 

Which is stupid. Bucky knows this is stupid. Because Steve has said that he doesn’t experience sexual attraction. He said he’s ace. He admitted it to Tony, admitted it to Bucky, and probably a hoard of other people Bucky doesn’t even know.

 

So why is it so hard for Bucky to admit the same thing? Clearly it doesn’t change anything for him and Steve. 

 

All these thoughts ran through Bucky’s head one night as he stared at the cottage cheese ceiling. He let out a deep sigh and rolled onto his side, hoping he didn’t have another sleepless night debating the pros and cons of his own life.

 

He has done that one too many times to count.

___

 

After a week of thinking about it, it took Bucky another week to finally work up the nerve to talk to Steve about it, and consequently, Bucky’s feelings for Steve. (He figured why not bring them both up at once?)

 

When Bucky finally approached him, Steve was lounging on the couch on the common floor, a blanket thrown over his feet and a sketchbook in his lap. His right hand was moving over the page, long strokes with a charcoal pencil. His fingers were smeared with black, probably from blending. Bucky had no doubt that if Steve lifted his hand, the charcoal would reach at least up to his wrist, maybe even onto his forearm. Steve had always been a messy drawer.

 

“Hey,” Bucky spoke softly, trying not to interrupt Steve’s drawing, but knowing that he would lose the nerve to talk about it if he waited any longer.

 

“Hey, Buck,” Steve replied, glancing up with a cute, crooked smile on his face. “Come sit.” He patted the space beside him (right beside him, much to Bucky’s glee). Bucky sat down (closer than he probably should, but who was watching?) without any hesitation.

 

“What’cha drawin’?” Bucky asked. Steve tilted the drawing toward him.

 

It was beautiful, just like everything about Steve in Bucky’s mind. It was of Natasha, a detailed drawing of her face. The shading was perfect, and a smirk was drawn on her face. She looked purely stunning, almost as beautiful as she did in real life, though nothing short of a photograph could accurately capture that.

 

“It looks really good, Stevie,” Bucky said earnestly. He looked up to meet Steve’s eyes and shared a small smile with him.

 

“Thanks, Buck. So, what’s up?”

 

Bucky’s nerves came back full force. His palms started to sweat and he felt like there was a lump in his throat.

 

“Um,” he spoke, his voice somehow cracking, “actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about?” Bucky’s voice went an octave higher on the question, even though it wasn’t really supposed to be a question. Sue him, he’s nervous.

 

Steve’s brows pinched together. “What’s up?” he asked again.

 

“Um, well, I was just…” Bucky took a pause, fiddling with his fingers. He took a deep breath and ran his tongue across his lips. “Thinking. About, y’know, the other day with Tony?”

 

Steve’s concern turned to anger in the blink of an eye. “Bucky, if you want me to talk-”

 

“No, no! Nothing like that,” Bucky interrupted him, trying to gather his thoughts. “It’s just… So I was thinking, and, I mean if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it I mean that’s fine, but… So, um, how did you know? That you’re… Um… That you’re, I mean, ace?” Bucky finally got out, fumbling a few times. His voice sounded unusually high because of nerves, and he couldn’t work up the guts to look at Steve’s face. His eyes were glued to the fabric of his pants that his fingers were playing over.

 

“Well,” Steve started after thinking it over for a few minutes. He laughed. “This is going to sound so bad, but it was after Tony took me to a strip club.”

 

Bucky looked up at Steve’s face with a look of surprise. He couldn’t picture Steve in a strip club. He couldn’t picture Steve in a club, period.

 

“I know, I know,” he continued, “it was awful. But I just remember all these guys, and a few girls, looking at these people with the biggest, widest eyes. And I looked at them and… I mean, I didn’t feel anything but uncomfortable. I wasn’t thinking about anything but when I was going to be able to bail, because… I don’t know, I just didn’t like it.”

 

Bucky thought this over for a minute, and thought he could relate. Aside from the loud music, the naked bodies writhing around would give Bucky the heebie jeebies. He shuddered from the thought.

 

“And  _ then _ ,” Steve went on, “Tony, who was drunk off his ass, decided that it would be good for me to get a lapdance,” Bucky cringed, “I know, it was awful. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, and I couldn’t convince him to let me go. So, I sat there for the most awkward three minutes, probably of my entire life, with some woman shoving herself in my face and grinding on my body.”

 

“Yikes,” Bucky exhaled.

 

“Yeah, it was terrible. But anyway, once it was over I was so embarrassed I think I was basically a tomato. I got the hell out of there right quick,” Steve chuckled at the thought. Bucky thought it was admirable that he could laugh at it, because he was pretty sure that he would be cringing at the memory until the day he died.

 

“So then I got home, and I realized that I never really… Felt that way about a person? I don’t know. But I can’t remember ever thinking about a person like that, or even wanting to do that to someone. And I didn’t even realize until I saw all those people ogling the strippers that I don’t think I’ve ever looked at someone like that, and more importantly, that I didn’t want to.”

 

“But how did you… Find the words?”

 

“You mean the word asexual?”   
  


“Yeah.”

 

Steve shifted his weight and rubbed at his face for a minute.

 

“Research.”

 

“Research?”

 

Steve nodded. “Research.”

 

“So… What did you find?”

 

“A lot, actually,” Steve replied, his demeanor brightening. “There’s actually many different, like categories? Like there’s grey-sexual, which is someone who falls between the spectrum of sexual and asexual. Or Demisexual people, who only experience sexual attraction with a strong emotional bond. It helps people find their place in the world, which is amazing.”

 

“Did you just know?” Bucky was slowly opening up. Hearing that Steve was so excited and comfortable talking about this made everything so much easier.

 

“Well, I mean I had a feeling. I looked around on some different websites, and a lot of them had little links to posts like FAQs which had a lot about identification and stuff like that.”

 

“I mean… Did you always feel like this? I mean, like, did you always not see people that way?” Bucky got nervous again. He know he did, or, at least the  _ other _ Bucky did.

 

“I think so, yeah,” Steve replied. “I didn’t have many offers or anything, but it never really bothered me, honestly, it was mostly just…” Steve trailed off, stopping himself.

 

“It was just what?” Bucky asked.

 

“It’s just…” Steve hesitated, and a blush tinted his cheeks. “I was always jealous.” Bucky took a breath to reply, but Steve caught him off guard. “I was jealous because there were all these girls that got you and, I don’t know… I just got kinda stuck in the mud.” Steve exhaled, his body drooping at the memory.

 

“It wasn’t like that,” Bucky whispered, unthinkingly.

 

“What?” Steve asked in disbelief.

 

“It wasn’t…” Bucky sighed. “I liked you. I do like you, probably more than I should. Definitely more than them.” Bucky scoffed on the last word, shaking his head a little.

 

“Yeah, but they were dates.”   
  


“Yeah. I still would’ve rather been with you, still would rather be with you.”

 

“But… I mean, I was skinny! I was the size and shape of a twig!”

 

“So?”

 

“ _ So _ ? You had- you had  _ beautiful _ women on your arms! Sometimes more than you could handle, sometimes more in one night, sometimes two at the same-”

 

“Okay! Okay, okay, I get it,” Bucky chuckled. “I had  _ a lot _ of women.  But still, that doesn’t change anything. I still would rather hang out with you on the couch and watch a movie than go out to some noisy dance hall, or whatever it is now.”

 

“Buck… You know I don’t, I don’t feel that way. I’m not going to feel that way about people.”

 

Bucky hesitated for a moment. He knew what asexual meant, it was a person who had no sexual feeling or desire. But that didn’t mean that they didn’t have romantic interests, did it? Because Bucky thought Steve was saying he was his romantic interest. Or was that just as a friend?

 

“I-I know,” Bucky told Steve a little shakily. “But I mean, I thought you were asexual?”

 

“I am.”

 

“But that doesn’t… Does that mean you don’t like people like that? Like, in a romantic way?”

 

“No, not necessarily. That’s aromantic.”

  
“Are you,” Bucky paused, tried the word out on his tongue, “aromantic?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then, how… What?” Bucky asked, increasingly confused and more than a little frustrated. He had to things to accomplish with this conversation: tell Steve that he liked him, in a more then friendly way, and try to even get a slight handle on if he’s asexual or not. 

 

“I don’t feel a sexual attraction to people. I don’t want to have sex with people. Anyone. Boys or girls, or anyone else.” Steve explained very clearly, but nicely, not trying to make Bucky feel like he was dumb.

 

“Okay, I understand that,” Bucky said hesitantly.

 

“Then what are you confused about?” Steve asked, now just as confused as Bucky.

 

“You, but,” then it hit Bucky. “Oh,” he said sadly, trying his best not to sulk. Steve didn’t like him like that. Steve wasn’t interested in him. But he said… He said he was jealous of the women Bucky would spend time with?

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I thought,” Bucky laughed at himself self-deprecatingly. “I thought you liked me. Like romantically, I thought… I thought you felt the same, I dunno…” Bucky trailed off, mumbling at the end.

 

Steve laughed. A lot. And hard. For a while.

 

It made Bucky start to get embarrassed, and with the embarrassment came anger.

 

“Hey,” he said, more angry than he’d ever been at Steve, and probably more vocal than he usually (ever) is with his anger, “I know it was stupid of me, but you can’t blame a guy for having feelings!” Bucky got up, prepared to march into his room and stay in his bed for another day or two to hide from the embarrassment.

 

“No!” Steve yelled, going to grab Bucky’s arm but thinking better of it at the last second. “It wasn’t, I didn’t mean it like that, Bucky.” Steve let out a heavy sigh. Bucky scoffed, not stopping in his trek to the elevator.

 

“Bucky,” Steve called, following him. “It wasn’t like that, I swear! I just meant that I didn’t think you liked me like that, romantically, I mean. I thought it was just me Buck, I wasn’t laughing at you, I swear.”

  
Bucky turned around to face Steve, his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. “Really?” He asked, trying not to pout.

 

“Seriously,” Steve said. “I was laughing at myself, I swear. It was just me thinking how, well, how stupid I was, not realizing it.”

 

“So, you like me… Y’know, like that?”

 

Steve smiled, a huge one spanning across his face.

 

“Yeah, Buck, I like you like that.” Steve reached across to put his hands on Bucky’s crossed arms. Bucky uncrossed them and laced his fingers with Steve’s. The smile must have been infectious, because Bucky couldn’t help but let one overtake his face, the muscles in his cheek hurting with how wide his smile was.

 

Steve leaned in partway to rest his forehead on Bucky’s. Bucky leant in the other half.

 

They stayed like that for a while, not moving. Their lips didn’t touch, their hands didn’t stray. They just relaxed together, fingers laced and foreheads together, breathing each other’s air.

 

Bucky couldn’t think of a single moment he was happier.

 

___

 

A month later came, and Bucky had dozens of moments where he caught himself thinking  _ I’ve never been happier.  _

 

Being with Steve was everything Bucky didn’t know he needed in his life. Somehow, it didn’t just affect his own relationship with Steve, but it affected his relationships with others as well. Because he was so happy with Steve, he found himself more willing to go out with the other Avengers, or go to group movie nights, or even just spend less time alone in his room. 

 

Since they didn’t quite have it before, they got to the conversation of  _ Bucky’s _ sexuality, which they did within the first week of them being- well whatever they decided to be. (It involved a lot of awkward fumbling and ums, as well as ands, a few cases of foot-in-mouth. They got through it in the end).

 

Everything wasn’t perfect, of course.

 

Bucky still struggled with his PTSD, and sometimes he had days where he really wasn’t himself. He felt more like an object than a person.

 

Steve, for all his wonderful qualities, still got stuck when it came to realizing that Bucky today is not the same Bucky from the 1940’s. And he never will be, even though he gained all of the memories he could back.

 

So, yeah, they had days where it was rough, for one reason or another. They had days where one of them just needed a lot of space, and the other needed to be close to someone. There were times when they wouldn’t know how to describe how they were feeling at that moment, and it frustrated both of them to no end. 

 

But they got through it. They used their resources, googled whatever they could, asked their friends or Bucky’s therapist when they needed more information.

 

They tried to make it work, and they tried to make it work in a healthy way that was best for them. It took a lot of trial and error, still does, really, but they still can’t pinpoint a time when they’ve ever been happier.

 

Every night they would climb into bed, cuddle up next to each other, intertwine their extremities, and take a few minutes to look at the other. Sometimes that would end in them sharing a good night kiss (or a few). Sometimes it ended with them falling asleep facing each other.

 

It always ended with the same thought running through both their heads.

 

_ I’ve never been happier. _

  
___

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr [here!](https://howdoyou-write.tumblr.com)  
> also the lovely samthebirdbae is [here!](https://samthebirdbae.tumblr.com)


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